----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----


Only a few words.

WHERE ARE YOU????
I JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU FOR THE LAST TIME.
MISS YOU. REALLY, REALLY MISS YOU.

But maybe it's better this way....

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----


Found that song by Vitamin C. It's a very
touching song. Wonder what will happen to us.
To me and my friends. Will we still be together?
I hope so.
I'm sad for what had happened to Nal. Feel very
sad for her. But I know she can make it through.
She's strong. Always the strong one. Nal, I know
you can make it girl!!
Dunno what else to write. Looking at some anime.
So... yeah... Bye

----<@My So-Called-Poem@>----


Last Verse Tonight

Can I write the saddest verses tonight?
To write of how I am going crazy for not
talking to you
Every minute and every second

Sometimes I feel that
you are real
But sometimes you seems
like an illusion

And now that we are not talking anymore.
I try to tell myself that you are gone.
But every time I do that the memory
of you will always haunting me

So this is the verse I am going
to write tonight.
To tell the night
the story of my heart.

But this will be the last verse
I am going to write.
'Cause I can not find the word
to describe how I feel tonight.

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----

Yesterday after the Business Admin Class,
I went to the carnival with my friends. We'd
a little bit of fun. Met the teachers.
Well that's it...

----<@My So-Called-Poem@>----


Untitled

My heart bleeds for you
Under this silver moon
I had waited for you
But you never come

So you have forget me?
Then I shall forget you too
Forget you I will
For my heart is now just like
the winter

Haunting me you will
In my dream at night
Saw your face among the
darkness
Intrigue I am not

This endless pain
I do not know it's remedy
Too much pain it has cause
Becoming numb I will

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----


Morning!!!
I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm tired of
living in this darkness. I'm coming out now
to breath in the fresh air and run under the
blue sunny sky.
I've to smile. I've to be happy. 'Cause I'll never
know if I can smile again tomorrow. Like we all
know that life is very short. (Winks)
I'm going to have fun. I won't cry anymore(I promise).
I'llput all the past behind me. I'll look towards the
future. So I'm going to the library in a moment.
Alone I guess. Well it's nothing wrong to go alone
right? I'm going to look for a pair of shoes. I want
to buy a new one. I've been going out alone lately(hakz).
Of course you won't believe me 'cause I was nvr alone.
Well I am now. 'Independent' is the word (smiles).

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----


I'm sooooooooooooo HAPPY today... Maybe
'cause people around me are happy. It's good
to see them smile. Juz feel soooooooo HAPPY!!!

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----


It's holiday today. I'm doing nothing and it's
kinda bored. Maybe I'll do some stuff. Yeah
stuff. Stupid stuff I guess... (rolling my eyes)
My mom say we gonna go out.
But I don't feel like going out. What about going out
with "them"? Nah... don't think so. I'm feeling sooo
down right now. And I don't feel like meeting anyone.
I know that I've been avoiding to meet people.
Especially my old friends. But I can't help it.
I just don't feel like meeting them. With this kind of
mood.. it's best that I don't meet up with them for a
moment.. Or forever..
I'm not sure anymore. Things are slipping away from
me. And I can't do anything about them. I just can watch
them slip far away from me.
BUT no matter what.. Life still have to go on. With or
without them I've to make it through all of this. Hey, people
are growing and so am I (wink.. wink). Things are changing
and I've to change to in order to fit in.
What about my oldself? Hmmm good question. But she's lost,
dead maybe. Can't find her anymore. So I've to make do with
my 'newself' so I can survive. Right?
I still going with them to the carnival. Miss the school. Can't wait
to meet the teachers.

{And NAL I'm not mad at you. Sorry if I din't reply You're message
or whatever. I'm not myself this past few weeks. With all the exam
and stupid problems of mine.. I'm being mean to myself and
everyone else. Sorry... Miss Ya}

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----

Just done with making the skirt. It looks
pretty good. I'm gonna make a bag after
that. I can't sit still. I have to do something.
My hands need to move and my brain....
It need to think of something else rather then
well.. you know....
Tomorrow is a holiday!! Yay!!!
It mean NO school.. Hakz... I'm soooo happy.
I thought of going to the library tomorrow but
it's public holiday.. duh... what am I thinking?
Haiz. I'm soooooooooooo boring right now.

Know what? I've been trying to go on like I
never know him. I've been trying very very
hard. But my stupid heart won't listen to me.
Maybe I should get a heart transplant.
Yeah maybe...
I feel so lonely right now. Whenever I go online
there's this sadness come deep within my heart.
Well you see... I'm just a sad and lonely girl. Always
gonna be one.
So will I go out tomorrow... Maybe... Maybe not...
It's no use when nobody actually WANT me to be
there. Well I'm already used to it........

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----

I'm listening to the song over and over again.
I've nothing to do and DON'T feel like doing
anything. Just wanna lay down on my bed.
But my mom told me to get up. So I did and
here I'm.
Maybe I'll go out.... Dunno.... I don't know!!!!
I feel so.... so....
.............................................................................
............................................................................

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----

I've no class today. So I'm just moving around my home.
Moving around?
Found the "Let Me Go" video clip.

"Let Me Go"

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go Just Let me goo...Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know
Who I amSo let me go
Just let me go
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----


Just got back from the school. The paper
was pretty easy but I'm not sure my answers
are all right.
Listening to "Here Without You." Stuck with
the song again. Good news! There will be no
Business Admin clas this sat. So I'm free!!!!
But I've nothing to do...... Going online? It's
like... never mind...
Feeling sad right now... Very very sad....
I wonder... what if he read what I've post
here... He will surely think that I'm a crazy.
Well I AM CRAZY. He made me crazy in love.
Hakz...
I'm here without you Baby, But you're still
on my lonely mind... Lolz.... I'm siow ting
tong!!! La la la la.... Sob sob...
Where are you now?

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----

Searching for Simple Plan "Untitled" to put here on my
blog. Found it but.... the video seems to be stop and stuck
at all time.. so.. found "Here Without You" and put it up.
Love that song...


"Here Without You"

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that i saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And i don't think i can look at this the same
But all these miles that seperate
Disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life was overrated
But i hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything i know,and anywhere i go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me


That's right... you're still on my lonely mind... Miss you..

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----


I know it. I'm so gonna flunk my maths. Paper 1
was so damn difficult. Arghhhh......
Chatting with Friz while writing this things down.
Telling her 'bout that stupid/weird dream.
The internet is 'kay again. Dunno what was wrong
with it for the past few days.
Gotta pay $20 to connect the line back. Sucks!!
Dunno what else to write........
Still missing him... Always will......

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----

2 hours left before the examination start.
And here I am typing this thing. Hakz...
It rains heavily right now. I hope it'll stop
soon.
Listening to "Right Here Waiting" by Richard
Marx right now. A very sad song matching
with a very gloomy weather. Feel like crying.
Sob... sob.... Lol....
Going a bit crazy here.
Oh shoot it's 7.03am already! I've to get ready
now. I don't wanna be late for my exam.
Adios.....

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----

Tomorrow the examination will start. Gosh!!!
I don't have the panic attack yet. Which is good.
They want some help from me and decided to
meet somewhere. But I couldn't... Sigh...
Man....
Know what? Got this weird dream last night.
It feels so real. I can actually hear his voice loud
and clear wishpering to me. Damn... I don't wanna
talk about it. Why does it have to be him of all people?
That's so weird. He asked me to... nvm.. It's just a stupid
dream anyway. Luckily something was wrong with my
stomach and I need to go to the toilet. So that's woke
me up.
I wanna forget it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stupid dream... stupid, stupid
dream!!!!!!!

----<@My So-Called-LiFe@>----


Just got back from Business Admin class. The teacher was
so funny. After that I went to Art Friend to buy my art stuff.
It was fun to be around all those paint and other stuff.
I'm trying to make myself happy. Trying to do my very best in
art. And I did. Everytime I hold the brush I'll start to paint.
I paint what's in my heart. And it came out good. I just keep
on painting until my mom force me to stop to eat something.
But I don't wanna stop. Everytime I paint a colour on the plain
paper, it's as if I'm releasing something. I'm forgetting the pain
I feel inside my heart.
My mom got so angry with me and said that if I don't stop, she
won't let me paint again. Then I stopped and I can feel all the
pain comes back to me.
Whenever I'm online, I'm wishing that I could talk to him again.
Like last time. But I don't think so we'll ever talk again. He's far
beyond my reach. Well he is very very far away...
Wonder what he's doing right now? I think I need to wash my brain
so I won't be thinking of him. That name still stuck here in my heart.
I wish I never met him. But the short moment is the best moment in
my life.
Shit... opps sorry.... didn't mean to wrote that but I can't really see
with tears in my eyes. I don't wanna cry anymore so I'll stop here...

..........

I won't be posting the story I wrote for a while.
Still have things to write in it... so... yeah.
Skip school today. Don't feel like going today. Just
wanna sit at home and do something. Not sure what
thing I wanna do. So here I am typing this thing.
"Move on" it's ver easy to say it out. But it takes time
to act it out. Why? Wish I've the answer. But again, the
will be no answer to all the questions I've been asking.
Hakz...
I'm trying to stop going online. I did.. But I've stuff to do.
Things for my art, so I need to go back online.
Maybe after the examination I won't be online.
I wanna forget things. Things that were happening when I
was here (online). Gotta get those things out of my mind.
I gotta wake up from my sleep. Well I already have but I still
need to really make my eyes wide open.
Maybe..... nevermind. Just can't wait to get out of here. To be
somewhere else instead. To start my new life. Sigh...
I'm sick of being weak. I'm sick of crying.
I've to do it myself. I've to save myself. And I'm going to.
So right now, it's only ME, MYSELF and I.
Yeah it sound selfish but I don't care.
Who cares? Who give a damn anymore...
Gotta do it my own way.

Right Here Waiting

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you doI will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Waiting for you


(Song by Richard Marx. It's an old song. It's the way I'm feeling right now. Every words hit me hard on my head and slice my heart open. Dedicated to that special someone. Love you always.)

........

Something wrong with the internet so I couldn't be online.
But now it's ok again.
I feel so sick right now... Sick of everything..
I feel sick 'cause I miss someone... Like crazy of course.
Altough it's for a while... It feels like forever to me...
I know it's gonna hurt me like crazy... But I don't care.
It's worth to have it.. Right now.. it's burry deep in my heart.
Now I've to face it... The pain is so.... There's no word to describe
it. It's added when...
I got a new teacher for my Business Admin class... He look a bit like
him.. But still look like him right? So I was like staring at him at all
time.... Gulp.. Sigh... I gues I AM becoming crazy..
Can't run away from it... It haunts me every day

Continue


I walked to the rose bush.
"Sara," I knew that voice and turn around quickly. It's him, it's Alex. He is just a foot or two from me. He came closer to me.
"Alex," I hear myself spoke his name. He held me closer to him. "Sara, I knew you still love me. I don't believe when you told me that you don't love anymore," he said.
"It is true. I don't love you anymore," I snap back and pulled myself away from him. Before I could say anymore, he pulled me towards him again.
"Sara, don't lie to me. You lips told me that, but not your eyes." He said again.
"Just leave me alone. I..." I stopped, unable to continue.
"Sara, please don't do this to me. My life is nothing without you," he pleads. I looked down at my feet. I knew if I looked at him, I would see pain in his eyes. The pain that I had cause. You're a sore loser Sara! my mind shouted at me. I can't tolerate it anymore. I pushed him a side and ran as fast as I could. I have no idea where I'm heading. I stopped for a while to catch my breath. The beach, I can go to the beach. It is the peaceful and the best place to go in this situation.
So here I am on the beach sitting on a big rock. I miss Ally; I need to talk to someone right now. I felt so lonely. I miss Alex; I miss being wrapped in his arms. I guess I'm going to lose him. I tried not to think about it. But who am I fooling myself, deep down my heart I knew I'm going to lose him sooner or later. Before all this happened, I used to be a cheering and happy girl. I never felt this sad. But seen it happened, I'm not the same person as I am before. I have totally changed into someone who I myself couldn't recognize. I picked up a small stone and threw it in the water. I had even broken a promise that I made to myself. I had promised not to hurt Alex, but I did. I have killed him, and I've killed myself. That is what I am. I am dead, a dead walking girl.
I looked at my watch, three-thirty in the morning! If my parents knew of this, they are going to kill me. I walked slowly back to my car. I got to be strong for the sack of my parents. If they see me like this, they will be worrying all the time. I don't want them to be sad. Let me be the one to face this. This is my problem. I have to face it alone no matter what. Luckily they were still sleeping when I got home. Sleep eluded me, so took out my diary from the drawer. I picked up a pen on the table and began to write.

Saturday 14th June 2001
Dear Diary,
It's 5.00am already and I have not slept the whole night. I have thought a lot these days. I don't know if I can face this alone. But I have to no matter what. I don't want my parents to worry about me at all time. Only you know that I still love him. I miss him so much. I miss his warm hugged. I've made up my mind. If I ever see them fight (over me) again. I'll end up my life. It's seemed to be the only way to stop them from hating each other. I don't know where this thing came from, but I'm very sad to see them fight and hurting each other. When Ryan hurt him, my heart feels like being stab by a knife. I don't want to see him hurt again, nor I want to see anybody hurt again because of me. Maybe I can go to the Green Square mall. It has 12 levels. High enough for me to jump down from it. Yeah, maybe.... So that's my final decision.

I closed the diary and wipe my tears away. I'm serious about ending my life if this thing gets pretty ugly. I kept the diary back in the drawer and took a shower.
After the shower, I went down to the kitchen. Mum and dad were already eating their breakfast.
"Good morning mum, good morning dad." I greet them and sit down.
"I hope you had a nice sleep," mum said.
"Yes, I'd such a nice sleep." I said trying to make her happy.
"So, where are going to go today?" dad asked and pour himself another cup of coffee.
"I think. I want to go to the lake today if you don't mind?" I said.
"Of course not. We can go with you if want," dad said again.
"No thanks, I want to be alone. I'll do some sketching. It's been along time I've not sketch," I reply. Mum and dad smiled at each other. I know they will be happy to see me smiling again. Well who knows what's in my heart?


To be continue........

Continue


The next day at school, I told Ally about last night.
"You know what Sara? You're a strongest girl I've ever met," and we both laugh. I am glad that I have a friend like her. Without her, I don"t know what to do.



Chapter Four

After the hokey practice. "Ally. I'll go first," I told Ally and she nod. I walk slowly to the change room. My mind keeps on thinking about him. Well, I think this is my life. Maybe it is just my destiny to live my life alone.
"Sara," someone called me. I turn around slowly. I though it was Alex, but I was wrong. It is Ryan. What does he want? Why can't he just leave me alone?
He came closed, my mind tells me to run. I don't want to see him. I quickly turn around and was about to run when he caught me by the arm. He held me closer to him. I tried to free myself from him, but he is just too strong for me.
"Sara, please. Why are you doing this to me? I love you very much. It doesn't matter that you love him," he said.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" I snap back.
"Don't you understand? I love you Sara. I miss you so much," he replies. I don't understand him? Who the hell he thinks he is? I push him away as hard as I could.
"What? What did you say? I don't understand? Understand what?!" I shout at him.
He looked shocked. Just then Ally came.
"What's going on over here?" she asked and stood next to me.
"You are the one who doesn't seem to understand anything. There is nothing between us anymore," I said. He looked furious, he grabs my arm again. I tried to free myself.
"Leave her alone!" Ally shout at him. I don't think he was listening to her, infect he tighten his grip around my arm. Nobody can hear us, because only a few students used this passageway.
"I told you before and now I’m gonna tell you again. I love you so much and you are mine,” he said harshly.
"Ryan, let her go!" Ally said again, she tried to free me from him but he pushed her away until she fell down.
"You are crazy!" I shout at him.
"Yes, I'm crazy because you're the one who made me. Now, I'll not let you go. You're mine, always mine!" he shouts at my ears.
"Ryan, let me go! You're hurting me!" I scream. It is true, my arms hurt so much.
"Let her go!" both of us turn around. It was Alex, I am very glad to see him.
"Me? Let her go? So you can take her away from me again? I don't think so," and he laugh loudly.
"I don't want to fight with you. So, for the last time I'm asking you to let her go," Alex said slowly.
"No," he said and smiles.
"Fine if that's what you want," Alex said and launched towards him. Ryan let me go and both of them started to fight. Ryan kicked Alex legs and he punched Ryan face. See what you've done! You make them fight over you! And you can just stand there! You can't do anything to stop them! My mind scream at me. I am a loser that is what I am.
"Sara, are you okay?" Ally asked. I am a loser, a sore loser. I pushed Ally away and run a fast as I could.
"Sara!" Ally shouted. I'm a loser! For the whole day I kept myself locked in the bedroom. I told my parents that I want to be alone.
"Sara?" mom knocked softly at the door.
"What?" I asked.
"Ally wants to see you. She's worry about you," mom replied. I don't want to see anybody right now.
"Tell her that I'm okay. But I don't want to see anybody. I need to be alone," I told her.
"Sara, I know you're very sad now. I'll be at my grandparent's house to celebrate their anniversary. I'll be back as soon as I can," Ally said.
"Ally, don't worry about me. I'm all right. It is just that I need to think," I said trying to convince her.
"Okay. Then I'll see you on Sunday," she said and I can hear footsteps going down the stairs.
It was when I started to cry. Who am I fooling? I am not all right. I feel everything inside of me seem to be tearing itself into pieces. I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, it already dark. I glance at my clock on the wall, eleven thirty. Neither mom nor dad had waked me up for dinner. Well I can just go down and make myself a sandwich or two. I am not really hungry, but I have eaten all day. After finishing the sandwich I made, I go to the garden. I love the way the cold air blew at my face. I wish Alex were here. He used to came and meet here every night. I love him, and I will always love him.

To be continue....

Continue


In my house, mom asked me lots of question like, what happen? How did it happen? Where did you go? On and on and on. Luckily there was Alex to answer the entire question. He told my parent that Ryan had to go home because there was some problem at his home and it was so dark out there that I stumbled on the rough road. After mom clean up my hands and knees, she bandages them.
"I think I should be going now," Alex said to us.
"Thanks," I said to him. He waved at me and left the house.
Dad helps me up the stairs. When I lay in the bed, dad looked at me.
"Sara, do you still love us?" he asked. Mom came next to me.
"I know there's something going on with the three of you," he continued. Yes dad, all had gone wrong. Tears ran down my cheek. I know I have to tell them sooner or later. So I decided to tell them the whole story.
"Everything had gone wrong dad. I don't think that I'm strong enough to carry on like this," I said.
"You have to be strong. You are the strongest child I ever seen. We are going to help you," dad said, mom smiled at me. I know they won't let me down. I am lucky to have parent like them.
Dad and mom take turn to kiss me then they left the room together. I can't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling. I am a very bad person, I never hurt anybody before, but now, I have hurt a friend that care for me so much. I have to avoid Ryan tomorrow at school. What have I become, I used to be a cheering girl, but now, I don't want to think about it anymore.

I have been very careful not to run into him.
"Sara," I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Ally said angrily.
"I'm very sorry Ally. But I beg you not to talk about it anymore," I plead her.
"You were forgiven. But don't do that again," she said and we both laugh.
"Two of the football players are fighting at the basketball hall!" somebody shouted.
"Oh no, it must be them," I said to Ally. Both of us rush to the basketball hall.
I can see two figures were struggling on the floor with the other students watching them. I run through the crowd to get a closer look. I know it, it is them. Ryan keeps on punching Alex face. I can see blood came out from Alex nose. Somebody have to stop this.
"Stop it! Stop it!" I shouted again and again. I can't believe that I just did that. The hall becomes quiet. Everybody including the two of them seems to be frozen.
"Sara," Ryan said, walking towards me.
"Just stay there! Don't come near me!" I shout at him and run to the nearest toilet. I locked myself in on of the cubicle.
"Why? What have I done wrong? Why God?" I asked.
"Sara, are you in there?" Ally knocked on the door.
"Sara are you alright?" she asked. I unlocked the door and went out. I went to the sink and splashed some cold water at my face.
"I will not see any of them. Look at me Ally. I'm not the Sara I used to be. I, I'm,” I broke of and cry. Ally came to me and hugged me.
"Shhh, I'll always help you. You don't have to see any of them if you don't want to," she said.
"Thanks," I said.
"Hey, that's what friends are for," she said again.
With the help of Ally, I had been able to avoid Ryan and Alex. I went straight home after school. I spend most of the time lock in my bedroom.
"Sara," mom enters the room.
"There's a call for you from Alex. Do you want to talk to him?" mom asked.
"No. I don't feel like talking to anyone right now," I said.
"Well, if that what you want. I'll tell him that," mom said and leaves the room.
After dinner, I went back to my room. Mom and dad seem to understand my situation very well. They didn't ask me anything. But I know deep down in their heart, they are worry about me. After I have done all my schoolwork, I switch off the light. I try to sleep, but I can't. I went out to the garden. I need some fresh air. I can feel the wind blow softly at my face. It makes me relax and I can feel all my muscle began to relax too.
"Sara," It startled me and I quickly turn around. It is Alex. I can't see his face because it is very dark out here.
"Sara why are you doing this to me?" he asked in a very sad tone. He comes closer to me. Now he is very close to me, I can feel his hot breath at my head. His eyes are icy cold. They looked empty and it scares me.
"Answer me Sara," he said grabbing both of my arms. I don't know what to answer.
"Because I don't love you," I said. My god, what am I saying. I can't believe it just came out from my mouth. I looked straight at his chest; I don't dare to see his face.
"You must be lying. I don't believe you. If you really mean it, then look in my eyes and say it one more time," he said in daring tone. I have to do it; I have to get away from him before I hurt him further more. I have to do it for our own good. I took a deep breath and look into his eyes.
"I don't love you," I said slowly.
His eyes were still icy cold.
"If you really mean it…" I waited for him to continue but he just walked away. I feel like I just lost the most precious thing I ever had, I feel like my heart been stab by a very sharp knife million of times.
"I still love you Alex, I did it because I don't want to hurt you further more," I said quietly. I know that I am all alone again; I can feel the emptiness ruling my soul. I walk slowly back to the house.

To be continue..........

Continue


At six, Ryan picked me up. I have made up my mind. I will tell him everything tonight.
"Ryan, can we go somewhere instead. I'm not feeling well," I said. He looked confuse.
"Okay, we'll go to the beach. Is it fine with you?" he asked.
"Yeah," I answered shortly.
At the beach, we sat on a bench.
"Sara, if you're sick. I'll send you home now," he said and stood up. I pulled him down.
"No, I'm fine. I've to tell you something," I said slowly.
"Just tell me. I'll listen," he said in curious tone. I took a deep breath and said.
"Ryan, I know you have been very nice to me all this while. I have tried many ways to make myself love you," I paused for a while. Without looking at his face I continued, "But I can only love you as my friend."
"Who's the guy?" he asked in cold and icy tone. I feel a big lump of stone stuck in my through but I force out the words.
"Alex," I said in a very small voice.
"I told you I don't care about that, I love you so much. I'll fight him to get you," he sounds serious. I was very angry with him. I want our relationships to be over, but not this way. I stood up and said, "I want to brake up with you," I said. He looked shocked and angry.
"You didn't mean it," he said angrily.
"I'm serious Ryan," I said seriously.
"No, I won't let you leave me. No!" he screams. I know his heart must have broken into thousands of pieces.
I feel sorry for him; I can't to see lots of pain in his eyes. I turn around and run as quickly as I could.
"You can't leave me Sara!" he shouts.
"I'll win you back. I'll do anything to win you back. You only belong with me!" he shouts again. But I keep on running until stumble and fall down. I turn back and I can’t see him anywhere. I buried my face in my arms and cried. Now he will be my enemy. I hate myself. I stay like that for a long time.
"Sara?" I feel a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, "Oh Alex," and I cried.
"I've told him about it. But he won't let me go, he said that he'll do anything to get me back. I'm very scared," I said shakily.
"You don't have to be afraid. I'll do anything to protect you. Now stop crying," he took my hands.
"Your hands are bleeding. It's better get you home now," he said and help me on me legs.
"Ouch!" when I stood up.
"Your knees are bleeding too. Can you walk?" he asked.
"I think so," I said. But I can't walk, so he had to carry me back to his car.


To be continue

Continue

"Alex, I don't care about it. I still love you no matter what," I said honestly. And he hugged me.
"Only you know about it. I don't want to keep anything from you. I want to share everything with you," he said. When we pulled apart he wiped away his tears.
"Clay and Kate are not my real parents, my parent died in a plane crashed when I was seven," he began the story of his real life.
"My parents" names are James and Florence. James's parents died when he just graduate from the university and he don't have any other relative. His family is not rich. Florence family is very rich and she is the only child," he pause for a while and wipe away the tears. Then he continued, "They met at the university and fall in love. Florence's parents don't approve her relationship with James. They said that he is poor and won't be able to give happiness to their daughter. But both of them really love each other so much. One day, they decided to run away and get married. With the help of Kate, Laurence's best friend, they manage to get married. They live a happy life together. Then one year later, I was born." He stopped and wipes his tears away again.
"When I was seven, Florence decided to meet her parent. She misses them so much. The next day they left me with Kate, I can't go with them 'cause I got a game to play. Before they could reach there, the plane that they were in crashed. When Florence parents knew about it, they blame James. They don't want to take me in. they said that I'm a sin," he wipe his tears again. I can feel tears trickling down my cheeks. He continued again. "Then, Kate and her husband took me in. They can't have child, they took care of me and love me like their own child." He took my hands and squeezes it slightly.
"Sara, I trust you and I love you very much. I want you to promise that you will never tell anyone else," he said in serious tone.
"I promise. Not even my parent nor my diary will know about this," I said and he burst into a laugh.
"What's so funny?" I asked him.
"Nothing," he said. Then he looked deeply in to my eyes.
"You always make me feel happy," he said.
"Really? I'm very happy when I'm with you. But I'm still stuck in the middle," I said sadly and look down at my hands.
He put his fingers under my chin and titled it up.
"One day, you'll be free. And we will be together forever," he said in comforting voice.
"I wish this moment will last forever," I said. Suddenly my hand phone ring, "Hello?" I said.
"Sara it's me," it is Ryan.
"Oh. Hi," I said. "Sara, are you free tonight? I want to have dinner with you," he asked. I looked at Alex, he looked sad, but he told me to go ahead.
"Yeah. I'm free tonight," I answered.
"Great. I'll pick you up at six," he said and hang up the phone. Tears filled my eyes.
"I'm sorry Alex," I said and buried my face in his chest.
"Sara, Sara. You don't have to apologize," he said and pushed me away. He titled my face.
"We'll find a way to sort things out," he said.

To be continue......

Continue

I woke up early the next morning. After I had put on fresh clothes, I went down to the kitchen. Mom and dad were already there.
"Good morning mom," I kissed her.
"Good morning dad," I kissed him and sit at the table.
"Do you sleep well?" mom asked and hand me a plate of scramble eggs and bacon.
"Yes, and I'm very hungry right now," I said and grin widely.
"Alex called just now. He asked you to call him back," dad said.
"He's such a nice boy. He always makes the orphanages feel happy," mom said.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"I thought you knew about it already," mom said.
"Why don't you ask him yourself," dad suggested. After I had finished with the breakfast, I picked up the phone and dial his number.
"Hello," it was him who picked up the phone.
"Hi, it's me," I said.
"Oh, hi Sara," he sound very happy.
"Do you have anything to do today?" he asked.
"No," I answered shortly.
"Great," he sounds very glad.
"Do you want to help me giving out new clothes to the orphanages?" he asked again. So what mom had just told me is true.
"Yeah sure. I love to," I answer back happily.
"Great. I'll pick you up in ten minutes," he said and I put the phone down.
"Mom, can I go with Alex to give out new clothes for the orphanages?" I asked her.
"Why not? sure you can go," mom said.

When Alex and I entered the Playing room, some of the kids were watching television and some were playing with each other. One boy saw Alex and quickly ran towards him.
"Alex is here!" he told the others. Alex picked him up and hugged him. The other kids rushed towards him.
"I've a surprise for all of you!" he announced.
"Hooray!" they shout.
"But before that, I want to introduce to all of you." He said and grip my arm.
"This is my friend. Her name is Sara," he told them.
"Hi Sara. nice to meet you," they said.
They look very happy when we distributed the clothes to them. All of us sit on the floor and some went to try the new clothes. Then a little girl with blonde hair came to me.
"Hi Sara," she said in tiny and shy voice. I pulled her down to my laps.
"Hi, what's your name?" I asked.
"My name is as same as yours," she answered.
"You're very beautiful. I like your eyes," she said.
"You too have pretty eyes," I told her and it makes her blushed.
"How old are you?" I asked again.
"Six," she answered.
"Alex is lucky to have such a pretty friend like you," she said.
"And I'm lucky to have a beautiful little friend like you," I said.
"Oh really? You want to be my friend?" she sound very excited.
"I don't have a sister. Every night I pray to god to give me a big sister," she told me.
"Well I don't have any sibling. I can be your sister if you want to," I said.
"Thank you so much. You're very nice, I finally had my wish come true," she said excitedly. Then I kissed her.
When it was time for us to leave, they looked very sad, especially Sara.
"Don't be sad. I'll come here every weekend," I told her, and she grin widely. I am very happy to see her smiling.
In the car, Alex turns to me and asked, "Do you want to go home or going to some other place?" I don't feel like going home right now. All I want to do is to stay with him for as long as I can.
"No, I don't feel like going home," I said. He looked happy about it. "We can take a walk if you want to," I suggest.
"That will be great," he said and started the car.
This is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. We are at a park; there are lots of colorful flowers all around us. We sat down on a green color bench.
"Do you always go there, to the orphanage?" I asked.
"Yes, whenever I'm free I'll go there. I'm very happy to see their smile," he said.
"You must like them very much," I said slowly. He looked down and his hair covered his eyes. Then he turned to me slowly, I can see pain in his eyes.
"Because, I'm one of them," he said slowly in icy tone and he looked down again. Oh God! Alex, is an, orphan. I don't care whether he is an orphan or not, I still love him very much. I pushed away his hair and titled his face up.

To be continue.......

...........


So I'm an outcast now huh? Hakz... Just like that..
Sigh..Define "Friend," so the meaning is : 1) Person whom one likes but who is not related
2) Helper, supporter
The's what it mean right? Lol......
Life is ... hmm... how should I say it.. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
I'm so sick of it.... All questions I ask silently every night, there's no answer
to it..... I don't have any mood to write right now... maybe tomorrow...

Chapter Three


When we got home I go strait to my bedroom. After putting the bag down, I plopped myself on the bed and buried my face in the pillow. Then I let my tears out of my eyes. I can't be together with him. I heard the door being opened and I know it were mom and dad.
"Sara, how's your," mom said and she stopped. I sit up and wipe away the tears with my hands.
Mom and dad sit beside me on the bed.
"Sara, what happened? Why are you crying?" mom asked.
"Sara, did you fight with him?" dad asked.
"No, I just miss you guys so much." I said and hugged them.
"Are you sure, that's all about?" dad asked again.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I want to take a bath," I told them. The looked on their faces told me that they were not satisfied with the answer I gave them.
"Mom. Dad. I really am okay. Don't you trust me?" I said to them. "Alright we trust you. Make sure you'll sleep early," mom said and kissed me. Dad kissed me too and both of them left the room.
I feel fresh after the bath. I sit at the study table and took out my diary from the drawer. I always write what I feel in it. I opened it, pick up a pen and began to write.

Tuesday 4thJune2001

Dear Diary,
Last night, he told me that he love me. Even if we love each other, we can't be together. I can see pain in his eyes when I'm with Ryan. I can't stand it. I don't want to see him hurt. I love him very much. I don't so I can sleep tonight. Why do I've to suffer so much just because I love someone so much? Well I better turn of the light before they come in the room.

I closed the diary and put it back in the drawer. Then I turn the light off and lie in the bed. My mind keeps on thinking of him. I just can't put myself to sleep.
I jump out of the bed and walked to the windows. I open up the window. Then I saw something was moving under my window. I put on my sweater and quietly went out. I know it was him. I called out, "Alex."
"How did you know it's me?" he said and come to me.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him.
"To look at you," he said solemnly. He kisses my cheek and caresses it.
"Every night I come here and stand under your window. So I can look at you," he said sweetly.
"You mean for the last two years you've been," before I could complete the sentence he kiss my lips lightly and sweetly.
"Every night I see you open the window. And you look very beautiful when the winds blew softly at your hair. You look like an angel," he said touching my hair. Then he continued, "Sara, I wish we could be together. You always belong here in my arms," and he wrapped his arms around me. I wish that this moment will last forever, and I hope it will come true someday.
"I think, I should go now," he kissed my forehead and walked away. When he reaches at the gate, he turned around and wave at me. I wave back at him at walked back to the house.

To be continue....

Continue

"I only love Ryan as a friend. But he doesn't know about it. It's you whom I always love. I'll always love you no matter what." His green eyes were wild, he looked surprise.
"Sara, you mean for all this while?" he said without finishing the sentence.
He pulled me closer to him and said, "I'm really sorry that for all this while I," without waiting for him to finished the sentence, I put two of my fingers on his lips.
"Please don't talk about the past anymore," I said. And he kissed me lovingly. Once again, I felt protected in his loving and caring arms. When we pulled a part I said, "But we still can't be together. I'm still Ryan's girlfriend," and started to cry again.
"We have until tomorrow, we can still be together. Even if it is for a while," he said and kisses my forehead.
"You're shivering. Let's keep our body warm by hugging each other," he suggests. Then we wrapped our arms around each other. Then after awhile I fall asleep in his arms.

"Sara, the sun has risen. We have to get back before they find us," he said in a sad voice. I feel very sad and I tears began to filled my eyes. I took out the ring that I love the most and put it in his hand.
"Promise me, that you will always bring the ring no matter where you go," I said to him. He hugged me and said, "I promise." Then we climb down the rock.
We can see Ally and Ryan were walking towards us when they saw us. Ryan quickly hugged me and said, "Sara, thank goodness that you're fine. I can't sleep all night thinking about you safety." he continued again, "The sky became very dark suddenly. And we split up to search for you." Then Ally said, "If your parent know about this, they sure gonna skin me alive."
"They should never know about this," I said to her.
"So where were you last night," she asked.
"I was trapped in the cave. And luckily, Alex came," I told her.
"Thank you very much Alex for saving my girlfriend," Ryan said to him and patted his shoulder. I can see pain in his eyes.
"I think, we should all go home," he said and head towards the house. "I'm glad you're safe," Ryan said and kisses me lightly on the cheek.

To be continue.....